I have been incarcerated for thirty plus years now. However, I sincerely hope, and pray that those who may develop an electrifying curiosity to read my story know that I seriously contemplated not summarizing these tragic events for fear the reader would totally misunderstand my perspective. I worry they will mistake my pure intentions and think that I am trying to somehow rationalize the animalistic behavior that overwhelmed my life. I do not want to imply or erroneously mistake in any way that I am not deeply sympathetic, and remorseful to the victim, and his family regarding the inhumane act that I senselessly perpetrated.
Now, I unfortunately know that I cannot undo what I deeply regret doing, but I swear by God that every time that I try to understand how my life went so wrong, I am lost in a cloud of confusion. Therefore, today as a I endeavor to embrace the courage to tell this story; I say to myself: where do I start and how do I begin?
Well, let me first start by honestly conveying that I cannot write, nor possibly explain the complexity of my once troubled life without being true to self, and real to truth. Therefore, I will not creatively rearrange my experiences to appease, nor to evade criticism of the reader who possesses a god given right to properly scrutinize my bad decisions.
And so I say today, that I am not perfect, but I am certainly a man with a renewed mind; a mind to live, love, and do right by life itself!
And so, as I reflect back through the pages of time, I am profoundly embarrassed with sheer shame for single handedly destroying my life the way that I did. I dare not blame my departed single mother, who courageously raised seven children on her own within a near drowning state of poverty. Furthermore, I have grown to learn that despite my grossly unwanted conditions, I should never use them as an excuse to explain or wrongfully justify my bad behavior. My mother strived hard to discipline and deter me from the illusionary vanities that the streets employed to lure a starving kid with a misguided understanding that came from having nothing. Not being old enough to properly self-govern my God given sovereignty, I foolishly relinquished my soul to the misguiding influence of the streets, which held the form of the devil himself! And from that point on, my life was no longer my own. So when this lost soul inadvertently took the life and soul of a man whom it had no right to take, I lost all probabilities of relocating my own. Everything that I knew and loved gradually became a distant memory: my two beautiful daughters, my wife, and family were all lost due to my very own self-centered stupidity.
Simply, because I made the childish decision to rob a drug house with no intent to kill, or hurt anyone, a man undeservedly lost his life because of my thirst and greed for drugs and money. And I have been living in hell ever since. Prison is not the hell I am talking about. I am talking about a mental hell conceived of excruciating pain, and the never ending thoughts that I tussle with on a daily basis for taking a man’s life that I had absolutely no right to take! I love my children, yet I deprived his children of their father! I loved my departed mother, but I regretfully robbed his mother of the life, and living love of her child. These are the thoughts that give tangible substance to the living hell that I am experiencing. But God is a good God, a forgiving God, and most of all, a loving god! And by his grace, he has allowed my heart to be purified from all the unclean and tainted conceptions that once melded, and shaped me as a misguided kid. And so I say today, that I am not perfect, but I am certainly a man with a renewed mind; a mind to live, love, and do right by life itself! Therefore, if I can somehow verbalize my experiences behind these walls, then I would surely say that life is very difficult. However, my life as a child was just as hard in its own way. And so my lesson is to look back to learn, and forward to succeed, but always look within to grow. Therefore, I will continue to equip myself with the tools necessary to live a productive life. So if by chance I should be given a new opportunity at life outside of these walls, then I will be ready.
Sincerely written Mr. Lagrone.
P.S Peace, love, and God bless.